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Poem: Adolescence

Traded the caffeine

for a glass of wine.

Exams are coming soon

I’m running out of time.

Sit up all night putting shit in my head?

That’s just not my style, so you’ll find me in bed.

Deep under the covers,

there I lose myself.

Trying to repair my minds broken shelf

Try and heave it up, make it stand up straight

I tried to ask for help

But no one could relate.

My mind’s lightbulb just burst broken

Sitting in the dark

But I got a token

It leads me away where I know I should stay

But I paid a hella price

And I ain’t even jokin’

1995 and what have we done?

In 1995, Leonardo DiCaprio could still be described as ‘cute’, he was still in his Romeo-Juliet phase. It was a good time. Things were really still coming together, South Africa, finally, saw the dawn of democracy the year before, but things were still dishevelled. A new era had arrived for the South African people, yet, there was fear in the air. Why? Well,  imagine being a person of colour born in Apartheid – having it be all you know – then finally freedom happens. How do you cope after the role you played all your life was obeying the ‘baas’? How do you assert your human dignity now, after being treated unfairly?

I think even though there was physical freedom and freedom in the law and constitution for people of colour in South Africa, the mental chains were still there. As I grew up I began to understand this dynamic between the people who got served by Apartheid and the ones who were thrown to the wolves.

 

Robin Williams Starred in the fantasy film Jumanji and it was a hit in the box office. Everyone was still young. Gwen Stefani was a 90s style icon. Sandra Bullock, young and beautiful, founded her own production company. Things seemed like they were really looking up for the young stars in Hollywood.

 

In this year, my mother had me. I was born in a small hospital in the Klein Karoo and I lived on a farm called Arandel which is smack-bang in the middle of Colesberg and Noupoort. I knew nothing of this life, what my mother had endured for the survival of my two older sisters and I. 

I really knew nothing, but in learning more and more about those events which I couldn’t understand at the time, I realise that they made me who I am.

 

Nothing of education, nothing of love or family. My life was concentrated on the tiny farm in the Northern Cape – I knew nothing of the big city. Liberation from the Apartheid struggle looked good on paper, but is it really true? Judging from what I’ve had to see my family and other people of colour endure, not so much. 

 

Now, South Africa has Democracy – but it has never been this tough. Hollywood is dead, the stars are either aging gracefully or dead. Everything is plastic, nothing really lasts anymore. All we are now are consumers.

 

Conforming consumers.

Living the BDSM Life.

So, you’ve just discovered a word which encapsulates your kinky nature, you no longer have to stand around for hours trying to figure out what it is that you like and why you like it. You can just say it: BDSM. It stands for Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Masochism. Usually, when someone says they are into BDSM they are met with shocked faces and awkward giggles as the topic is replaced by another. In the beginning, it may seem like you can’t speak to friends or family about your sexual preferences because its “weird” and “nasty”. People may even ridicule you as you try and find out more about BDSM. The internet has a range of websites on BDSM, so many that it may become overwhelming. BDSM is a broad topic and things may get confusing. No need to worry though, there are some really great blogs out there which can start you off on your journey. Sex With Emily a blog by Emily Morse, a sex and relationship expert, is an easily navigatable site which covers a range of BDSM topics and also deals with mental and emotional wellbeing.

What I like about this blog is that it does not overwhelm you from the minute you click on the site. It has a friendly aesthetic and a very professional feel to it. The blog posts are easy to understand and read. It is a fun site to be on because there are always new articles to read.

The blog is thorough enough for beginners, there are many resources and how-to’s on the site, and with that comes a podcast which users can listen to and a shop which you can buy toys and bondage items. The site also has many articles on mental health and how it relates to sex. I read an article called Hormonal Highs and Lows. It spoke about how hormones affect everything about us, including our sex life. The article gives a timeline of the different hormonal changes which can occur at various stages of life and how these changes affect your sex life. This article was helpful in the sense that I now understand how more about hormones and will now know the steps I need to take if they are unbalanced.

The blog makes use of tags, so when you are looking for an article on a specific topic you can easily search it and all the relevant articles will appear.

This post is an effective piece of writing because it educates you. Are you wondering why you snapped at one of your friends earlier today? hormones. Are you suddenly feeling down when you were feeling great a minute ago? hormones. Fluctuations in hormones can affect your interaction with friends, family and your partner.

When looking for a blog on BDSM, it is very easy to get lost in a sea of whips and chains with no clue of how to use them. Sex with Emily takes baby-steps with you, which makes it a pleasure to explore.

For beginners, it is better to start off by feeling your way through your likes and dislikes in BDSM, find out whether you are dominant or a submissive, you can explore a bit of both to guide you. Adding toys and enhancements can come at a later stage. Also find out what type of BDSM you are into, whether you like it hardcore or not. This will all help in your discovery about yourself. You don’t have to pretend to be interested in something which you aren’t, this won’t bring much enjoyment to you.

 

An introduction to the Nitty Gritty

Hi there!

Let me re-introduce myself.

As you can see, I have given my blog a bit of a topical revamp. It’s no longer just me talking endlessly about the drama (or lack thereof) in my life, but I have given this blog more of a focus. I have decided to zone in on BDSM! yay.

I have become more serious about this blog and will now make regular posts. I have begun a BDSM journey and this blog is a way for me to find out more about the topic and educate others who don’t know much about it as well. This is an opportunity to grow with my audience.

There are people who know a lot about my topic, experts in the field, who both study and practice BDSM but my aim is to change the stereotypical view which is expressed about BDSM. I have spoken to some of my peers and they mostly had negative outlooks on the topic. They call it “freakish” and see it as a form of domestic violence and abuse. I really want to uncover why the idea about it is so negative.

It is definitely an awkward topic to bring up, even with friends, so the internet became my only way to get an idea of what it is. Most of the blogs which I have read are for more experienced people practising it and this made it difficult to understand as a beginner, like being thrown into the deep end. There are some really great beginner blogs on the net which you could also check out.

Parallel to the exploration of BDSM for beginners I want to look into the psychological effects which it has on the mind and body. This topic is seldom talked about and this will also be for beginners, like me, together we will be able to take baby steps and explore this world.

The angle which I have taken for my blog is important because it has such a bad name among young people, my peers thought that there is no love in the practice and shun it.

My aim is to open the conversation around BDSM and make it ‘friendly’. It isn’t something which is for just for a certain type of people but, anyone can engage in it if they so wish to. As I am sitting here, I only know a few things about the topic but soon you will be able to begin this journey with me, discovering with me and we can engage with each other.

I am a writer, who enjoys writing with sensuality. I want to challenge myself to begin my writing here. I want to approach a topic which I have always been interested in but have never written about because I was too scared about what people may think. I grew up in a very strict home where sex isn’t spoken about at all and I was always told about the dangers of having sex – if you have sex before you are married you will die – I was never given a balanced view about it, for example, to be told: “If you want to engage in sexual acts these are the methods of protection which you can use and this will protect you from sexually transmitted diseases”. Sex talks at school were always awkward, it would become a competition about who asked the most in-depth question.

I would like to re-educate myself, start my sexual journey from the very start once again because it is definitely not like what is seen on television or the erotica read about online – It’s not all good and it’s not all bad but somewhere in-between. But in all of this, there is pleasure and fun and a bond which you are building with someone who you trust.

 

 

It’s been a while, but I’m back.

Sup homies, remember that comment I made about going to university to study journalism, well, I’m doing it.

Second year is a mess for me. I am a mess, but I am here, taking the time to write this during swot week because…wait, I didn’t think that through completely so I’m just gonna stop.

I think I’m in love. Horrible, isn’t it?

I’ve lost all the friends I had gathered this year over a silly argument and for the past couple of weeks I’ve looked only half alive.

Friendships are interesting things, you know. One minute, you think someone’s got your back and the next it all disappears into smithereens. I’m not saying that I wasn’t wrong, I’m the one who caused the whole drama, but it’s the way the drama, which I caused, was handled by my now ex-friend group.

I have spoken to a few people here, acquaintances of mine and they have really lifted my spirits about how I am to move forward from this messy situation.

Obviously, the drama involves a male. Ag, men are messy, but so am I. I  am messier than them all. I don’t regret it, on my side I only did one thing wrong and that was….I’m not ready to spill that tea yet.

Anyway, there’s a boy I’ve been seeing and although it pains me to admit it, I really enjoy the time we spend together. He’s also problematic though: He doesn’t want to build.

Ah, men.

Men and their stagnation.

I’m ready to be better now, to focus more on myself because damn, friends can take a lot out of you. But as I said before I have parted ways with all of mine and now I am a lone wolf, walking the potholed streets of Makhanda.

Keep you posted if some shit goes down, although I doubt it. I am above my peers.

xx

Latest Poetry (and a bit of a rant which is good for the soul)

Back!

STRAPPED.

Lately, I’ve been going through some things. Because of these things I have avoided writing poetry like death. But this week I looked my problems square in the eye,

And the words just came…

Pencil to paper
But page stays blank
Thoughts consume my mind
But no words speak out
I cannot comprehend how, why
or when I sank,
So deep, so deep…

Hard to keep the faith
When no faith is left to keep
Am I the big bad wolf
in the clothing of a sheep?
And if I am, how do I stop
these thoughts as they slowly creep,
before I’m knee-deep in sin?

Right now, things are a million times clearer than they were when I was running away from my problems.

My problem which is that I’m too much of a dreamer and not enough of a DOER. This is a problem I have faced…

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Hello Again

Never in my life have I been this motivated.

My attitude has taken a 180 flip…okay, not entirely, I still make the same little mistakes. But no one makes a decision to change one day and is completely relieved of all flaws the next.

 

This change is going to take time. And patience, and hard work.

I know it is all going to be worth it.

And you?

Make that change to yourself in areas you feel you are inadequate.

Self-improvement: This is very important.

Latest Poetry (and a bit of a rant which is good for the soul)

Lately, I’ve been going through some things. Because of these things I have avoided writing poetry like death. But this week I looked my problems square in the eye,

And the words just came…

Pencil to paper
But page stays blank
Thoughts consume my mind
But no words speak out
I cannot comprehend how, why
or when I sank,
So deep, so deep…

Hard to keep the faith
When no faith is left to keep
Am I the big bad wolf
in the clothing of a sheep?
And if I am, how do I stop
these thoughts as they slowly creep,
before I’m knee-deep in sin?

Right now, things are a million times clearer than they were when I was running away from my problems.

My problem which is that I’m too much of a dreamer and not enough of a DOER. This is a problem I have faced all my life (21 years). I’m so sick of it.

Fuck sitting back and letting life go by while I wish and wish but never get what I deserve. I’m tired of being poor and living paycheck to, tiny, paycheck at a job that bores me to death!

So you know what? I’m getting my ass up! I can’t go on like this. I am no longer letting anybody tell me I can’t.

I can.

I WILL.

Life (As It Is).

Hello Dears,

My two new followers – thank you!

So, life as it is…

Boring. Completely and utterly dead. Staple-your-eyelids-to-your-eyebrows-and-enjoy-the-pain dry. Absolutely nothing to write home about, fellows.

Life as it is, is not as it should be. Yet, I feel as if this is fine. This is how life is suppose to be right now. Perhaps the near future isn’t going to be half as monotonous.

I have no idea what’s going to happen in the near future, one can only hope.

In this dry desert of a life, I feel the lively fountain of creativity overflowing! It is kinda weird, you know, being this bored and completely lifeless on the outside and feeling the glowing heartbeat of imaginativeness flowing through you on the inside. Odd.

My mind – gosh! – is bursting with 984552852114455450004454875,0 words per minute, I am definitely going crazy.

I’m trying to get my mind straightened out, like, ghd straight, but nah. The buzzing continues and no one around me even knows. The people around me are very dull, you see. They’re the ones that mostly contribute to this greyness in the air and everywhere.

How? How, my friends, do I? Me? Fight against everybody. How do I truly become myself?

I’ve had a problem with who I am. My personality type is killing me! I’m so sad and melancholy all the time, I don’t know how to speak for myself  – I’m a scaredy cat! – I aim to please and keep the peace, but I know that I’m completely stuck and I need to get out. Now.

I look around me and see these established people, they know who they are. Their hair is done great, their faces know no spots, they are dressed perfect in business attire…how do I get there? Fuck.

You see, I’m just a girl who hopes to become a woman who knows who she is in herself and the world. Who hopes to be courted a man who was once a boy but grew up and now knows who he is ( and other people know who he is as well). And we, together, will have direction.

What am I talking about?

Guys, I am a mess. A galaxy of organized chaos. In this world, in this world and all its mishappenings. It’s all bigger than me. Its bigger than us. Look around you, what do you see? I can assure you that you’re not seeing all of it.

We try. We all try to push ourselves forward and upward, but I feel its a chasing after the wind if we cannot look down again, reach out our hand and pull up a fellow human being. Humility is key. Yet there is none.

HI.

*Takes deep breath*

This is me “trying”. For years and years my mother has been telling me to “at least try” , so here I am following her wise advice.

I don’t really have anything to write home about. I’m 21 but my soul is about 55, and I look about 12.

There’s a sucky part to looking super young and fresh out of the womb – older men, they won’t even glance at you in a romantic way. You’re probably going ‘ew, wtf?’ but I am one of those girls who just can’t deal with the chivalrousness of the young guys my age. I seek stability and I need to be able to respect whomever I date. And to be honest – I need a dom *laughs really loud and is completely embarrassed*

This blog is just me expressing myself – Martin Thomas told me to express myself and is planning on sending me packing on a bus to Rhodes University to study BA Journalism, but we’ll see how far that gets – There will be days of moods and complete chaos. And venting, perhaps some poetry (I’m an Infp, btw). Then there will be days like this, where there’s nothing much to say. Nothing on my busy mind.

I don’t have the answers to much, but I have a whole lot of questions – some well thought out, other’s nah – being out of school has awakened a questionableness in me, which I can’t quite understand yet.

This is going to be an online diary. I’m going to speak about things – shameful or not –  all because I need to find answers.

Why am I so different? Why do I like peculiar music? Why do I always fall for men 3 times my age? Why won’t my mind just shut the f*ck up?

Can you help me?